11 years and what a journey it’s been! We’re more in love than ever and more in sync than ever but wow, it was NOT easy. We put the faking work IN and now we go on trips together, share more intimate moments and I get superfood coffee every morning (thank you, my love!). We show up for one another and for each other consistently even when we don’t want to. Even when we are tired.
You have many CHOICES in life. In serious relationships, you get to choose to be entirely with someone as your partner, or not. My biggest piece of advice for anyone in any type of relationship is to allow this choice to empower you to fully step into your love and relationship. Let it be a choice and a DECISION based on your own sanity.
At the beginning with Adi, I wasn’t 100% in. I had one foot out the door. He would say something that pissed me off and I would run away to my parent’s house for days or to a friend’s place. I kept this mentality of “one foot out the door” for a really long time. After years of this mentality and behavior, I truly decided to end this and to fully be present and committed to our love, marriage and life.
This switch in my mental state to fully being in it without one foot out helped our relationship in SO many ways. It strengthened us. I feel so solid and in love and consistent now. Relationships are your CHOICE and DECISION which is EMPOWERING because it’s what you want.
So in honor of 11 years and this month of love, I’m sharing 11 magic tips for a lasting fulfilling marriage, from our hearts to yours.
If you know us at all then you know this is what we’re all about and share in our IGNTD podcast! It’s the way we communicate within our relationship and builds residency for the long haul. Being radically transparent builds DEEP TRUST but it’s a practice like yoga or meditation, you have to keep showing up and leaning in. It keeps you authentic. Watch our IG video here more about it!
DO THE WORK
Relationships don’t work unless you do. Come back to your toolbox whenever you need it without shame or guilt. This means therapists, healers, coaches, inner work and others you trust. Write down what’s on your heart when you’re frustrated and then share when you are less upset.
RESPECT YOUR PARTNER'S PERSPECTIVE
You’re not going to always share the same perspective and opinions on things. That what makes it lit up! But even if you disagree with your partner, respect that they are allowed to have a different view on things.
Have a babysitter/mom/dad/neighbor/aunt/bestie come for a weekly date night. Make it a non-negotiable. Try new places, do new things and make it fun. Double date with inspiring couples who are in mad love and respect each other. If you’re not able to get a sitter, make a date night at home when your kids go to bed. Treat yourselves to dessert, watch a movie and go all out.
I’m going to be real here, schedule it if you have to. Life gets full and sometimes intimacy can get pushed to the back burner. Prioritize your sexiness and closeness so you keep that fire alive. Try new things! Push your boundaries and stay open. We are grateful that we don’t take it personally, that we can just schedule it in and try our best to make it happen. For us, it’s scheduled once a week which hopefully allows for one extra night a week naturally.
MAKE TIME FOR FUN!
Laugh together. Put on wigs and be ridiculous. Dance around your house and keep the music flowing. Go on trips together and challenge each other. It doesn’t have to be so serious!
DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?
You need to ask yourself, “Do you want your relationship to thrive, or do you want to be right?” Sometimes it’s simply the choice between “winning” and argument or being kind and supportive. Lean in. And if you’re the thick of it? Take some time for space just like you would do if your kids were fighting. Parents need a “timeout” sometimes too! Go for a walk. Take a break. Go do something that makes you feel good that allows you to disengage from the argument and release some of the wounds. Own your emotions and feelings and trust that your partner can support them and show up to you. Adi and I go back to this phrase over and over again, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
CONSTANTLY BE OPEN TO GROWING
We are ever-evolving creatures. Even when you feel stuck, stagnant or contracted it’s important to be open to the possibility of growth and use your partner and support system to challenge your growth edges. Don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations and make time for them. That’s where the boundaries are broken.
Save this post for this check you can do with your partner daily or as often as you need to align and connect. We picked evenings after the baby is asleep when we know the older boys are able to play independently or watch a show. During our check-ins, we let one person speak about whatever they want to share without judgment or speaking. Just HEARING and holding space for them. Then the other shares. It’s so nice to just be held and heard. We’ve realized going out for a walk is also an easy, DAILY way to check-in and have time together
YOU’RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT
Your beliefs and opinions came from your experience, consider that a different perspective may bring different values. Recognize the both of you as parents have your own value systems and you can get defensive if your values are challenged.
GO IN FOR THE PUNCH
Instead of shying away from confrontation, lean in, even if you’ll get hit on the way. Adi and I do a lot of work with people in relationships through IGNTD and how to heal pain, trauma or open up more love and it always goes back to communication. Open communication can help you grow as you approach from the level of support you need instead of coming from a place of negativing or blame. We’re in relationships to be better humans, so we need to be each other’s support system, whether it’s in parenting or simply in life. Everything should come from a place of love.